Roast

“Nice” name takes the biscuit

In George Orwell’s 1984 (which is in part about the erosion of creative thinking and originality, and will probably soon be remade by film executives with no sense of irony), protagonist Winston Smith drinks ‘Victory Gin’, whose cheery name is an attempt to cover up how awful it tastes.

A similar, and similarly dystopian tactic is deployed by whichever corporation has a low enough opinion of humanity to give it the ‘Nice’ biscuit. That it is unpalatable in taste or texture should be obvious from the branding: there would be no need to print “nice” on anything that was actually nice, in the same way people don’t go on first dates wearing t-shirts reading “Gonorrhoea free”.

People are too quick to forgive bland biscuits – like the abomination that is shortbread – but just like Winston Smith, the instinct to rebel is in me, regardless of what the Biscuit Big Brother tells me.

Joe Molander

Toast

Golden Moreos

The long-held debate between the custard cream and the bourbon grinds to a holt when you take up veganism, the bourbon being your only friend between the two on this journey. However, if you were an advocate for the humble custard cream like myself, then the Golden Oreo really is the next best thing. 

The golden, crunchy sandwich biscuit with a velvety cream centre, while synonymous to the centre of our traditional friend, the Oreo, really is reflective of the delightful custard cream. 

On the first bite the nostalgic memories of the custard cream came flooding back, and I can truly say that this pit in my happiness in my custard cream-less life has now been filled by this delightful biscuit.

Now I know that some of you dairy eating readers may see the golden Oreo to be nothing but a boring version of the real deal, but I can promise you, those of us who miss the custard cream see it to be quite literally what its name describes; golden!

Kelly Corcoran

Soapbox

Moving on, not forward

The Australia bush fires are out of control, and it’s all over social media. Every second person on my feed has posted something about it, and that’s great. But what’s happening with the Amazon Rain-forests now? What’s happening in Kashmir in India? What is currently happening in Iran?

Posting stories to ‘save the world’ seems to be a new fad. Slacktivism is at its highest. I am all for using social media to grow awareness, but what do you do next? Posting a story that lasts simply for 24 hours is not going to make a significant enough difference if the people who see don’t make the effort to bring about change. Post stories but then donate, volunteer, run campaigns, do more! Let’s make a real impact and move forward instead of simply move on.

Aastha Malik

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Last modified: 26th November 2019